What is my goal?

This week, my mind has been plagued with thoughts of self-doubt and comparison. Am I taking advantage of the opportunity I was given? Am I doing enough related to my project idea? What is my end goal for this year?

And what I have decided: I don't know. I'm not sure what I will take away from this year or what I will learn. But I am open to sharing experiences and building community with as many people as I can. Much of my time is spent reflecting on disability activism and why I advocate the way I do. Simultaneously, I am reflecting on myself and how I interact with the world.

These past five months, my anxiety has mostly been the driver. I don't want to make a fool of myself by asking a simple question, so I figure it out myself or let it go. It's not even that I think I am going to see these people again; it's the fact that five years from now, someone could say "do you remember that American girl and when she. . ." And it's EXHAUSTING. I expect myself to be able to know everything and problem-solve without help because I am away from my typical support systems. Well, this post is to say NO MORE. I am going to focus on embracing my own humanity. I hope to become comfortable with not knowing and making a fool of myself. Because I think my fear of what others think of me is really getting in the way of my Watson year.

One of our daycare dogs, Leo, playing in a water pool this week! It's nice to cool off from the summer heat.

I have set my personal goal, but what about my goal in disability activism? I have been thinking on this for a LONG time: why do I fight for these things when few people seem to care? I could never please everyone, so what am I trying to accomplish?

My Watson year so far has shown me that one size definitely does NOT fit all. Accessibility for one person may not fit another's needs. The term accessibility isn't something you can achieve, only something you can always strive for. Flexible accommodations and an awareness of disability can help make a space accessible. For example, complete accessibility would be to have a sign language interpreter and stenographer at every public speaking event, even small ones like a classroom lecture. If they are already present, those who may need those accommodations don't have to share their disability with anyone - they were thought of before they even entered the room. Will we ever find the work force or funding to achieve that? Most likely, no. More likely is that there could be a system where individuals could let the speaker know that they need an accommodation anonymously. Or develop technology (and of course make it financially accessible) so the accommodation is in the control of the individual that benefits from it.

Daycare dog, Jasper, having a soak!

Another idea: In my dream world where everything is perfect, capitalism would not fuel people. While I wish we could live in a world without currency and capital, that is not our reality. Capitalism thrives off of competition, which makes people derive their self-value from their productivity. Disabled bodyminds are not always able produce at the same rate as non disabled bodies. So ideally, self-worth would derive from one's humanity and thoughtfulness instead of their profit. In reality, I hope to integrate self-timed breaks with no stigma into professional environments. I hope to manifest the idea that rest is not earned by working, but is deserved. You might think that people will stop working if they are allowed rest, but I like to think that they will have more energy in their reserve to give to their work. They will be able to choose to work, instead of being forced.

Daycare dog and Hearing Dog, Echo, enjoying the shade!

I guess what I am saying is that there is no end-goal of disability activism. Accessibility and accommodations will change as the world evolves. With that said, we won't get anywhere until people in power start seeing and treating us as actual, full human beings. We don't get the same choices in our lives - much of what disabled people do is decided for them, particularly if they need assistance. So my current goal is to fight for the global acknowledgement and autonomous respect of disabled bodies. After that, we'll set a new goal.

So there you have it, my ramble for the week. 12 days until I get to see Zachary, and I am counting down every heartbeat. I am enjoying my work at Hearing Dogs and getting to connect with lots of recipients in different situations. Four more weeks in beautiful New Zealand, then it's off to Ireland!